When it feels like something always goes wrong

Have you felt like everytime you feel any form of happiness, something ends up going wrong.

Well, guess what 😳 you are not alone.

I feel like its this rollercoaster ride that we seemed constantly stuck on. We don’t really feel stable, its either a slow difficult ride up just to come down so fast that you feel like the sky swallowed all your organs.

Okay. I may be dramatic. Honestly, that is the way I feel life is. Constant ups and downs, you barely get a moment to catch your breathe or even come to terms with situations that are happening.

I have been told thats just the way life is, but does it have to feel so exhausting all the time.

I mean, you are paralysed in bed by your anxiety but responsibilities still need your attention which just increases your anxiety even more.

You might be on this extreme high where you feel you could conquer the world and do everything at once to the point you burn out but you don’t realise it until you come crashing down again.

See, so exhausting.

This happens everyday. All day. All the time.

The other night, my mind asked me, “yo! You awake? We still haven’t talked about that shelf you said you were going to clean last year. Oh yes, what about that time you yelled at that client on the phone 6 years ago over something I don’t even remember.”

Even after my pleas to let us sleep, it continues; “remember that conversation you had with that person that used to be your friend but now doesn’t like you because of what you said. Yeah, that’s why people don’t like you.”

It has gotten to a point where both my highs and lows could happen on the same day. So exhausted all I do is cry through out the day and feel agitated.

I really wish I could give others a solution to deal with any with this. I can’t, I am barely handling it myself.

But isn’t that why we are here, talk about healing thoughts with Bounty.

Unfortunately, today was not so encouraging but always remember to be kind to yourself even through the hard times too.

Self Sabotage

I’ve been beating myself lately because I just couldn’t bring myself to write a post these last couple of weeks.

I want to blame it on writer’s block or being busy or going through some stuff because that is what is happening.

It is in the way I lose myself that I am in awe

But under all those truths, I am self sabotaging at the moment and I am aware of it.

I tell myself, whats the point, not like it’s that important or will benefit me any way.

When in truth, it really does. Writing my thoughts down helps me, it is important to me. I hope in turn it helps someone else that maybe going through something similar.

So we can add that to the list of reasons why I started this blog, maybe, just maybe there is someone else out there that might be feeling this way. So why not help them not feel as alone.

So this is just a reminder that I am just here sharing my personal thoughts. It is called Healing thoughts with Bounty for a reason. 😅

This is a reminder that certain emotions such as self sabotaging is a real thing and if not careful, it can do a lot of damage. Mine usually does, but with the help of my therapist, friends, family and my love. I became aware of it and now I take action. This post is me taking action.

Sometimes that action is writing a post in the middle of the night after ghosting most of my social media platforms, including my blog. By doing this I have been bottling up my emotions and in turn sabotaging myself.

Because in all honesty, I want to be enough. I want to be enough for me, I want to feel worthy of my dreams and my accomplishments. I want to feel worthy of love, of life and of happiness.

I do hope one day, I will realise that I am enough and this is just one of those lessons I get after a while.

Until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself

Small steps in to the Business world

First of I will start by saying, I have no idea what I am doing. There i said it! YES, that is the reason I have not taken that leap of faith, that I am always encouraging others to do.

I am scared, so I am going to state some of the reasons why I am terrified to take that leap of faith:

– What if I fail

– What if I make a mistake

– What if I make a loss

– What if a client is not satisfied

– What if my product is not liked by my clients

– What if I don’t know my target market

– I know nothing about shipping and delivering

And so on and so forth…

I could go on all night and day, with every little detail that is stopping me from taking that leap of faith for jumping into another project I am passionate about.

Oh! Another excuse I feel we all worry about, what other people will say.

Well, as I was discussing with a good friend, people will always have something to say. Be it positive or negative.

The question is, do those opinions take accountability for your life, your dreams, aspirations, passions and at the end of the end day – your happiness.

Well that was food for thought and something I have been thinking about. But that is why we are here, share my personal thoughts.

Until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Unexpected milestones

There is honestly no right time for those milestones in your life…

Whether or not you are prepared for it, they will happen. Some planned and sume unexpected. Thats kind of the feeling I am getting as I draw closer to the big 30.

Neither are life altering events, they will always hit you like a bag full of bricks and consume you whole.

So in 5 months, I will be 30. Yes, I am not ready nor do I believe it.

My own body feels so foreign to me and I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel my age. Or act my age. (Highly doubt it, but I still wonder if that will ever change)

You will never be ready for something to occur or learn to deal with it.

You know how they say it gets better with time, it doesn’t really. You just re learn to love life with that new mildstone you seem to be approaching at a swift pace.

Yes, I know. I sound melodramatic about turning 30 but in all honesty, I never thought I would live this long.

But here I am, going through a healing journey that I never thought I would do either. But hey, we surprise ourselves with each milestone in life.

So until next time one healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Silenced by Guilt

I must’ve read that title a hundred times over just to make sure that is what I meant.

Honestly, still not sure if it is.

There are so many questions I ask myself concerning the guilt I am constantly carrying around but I have no idea where to start looking for answers.

I feel my body telling me that there is something wrong, I am hurting somehow but physically I seem fine.

I read somewhere that your mind shuts out emotional trauma so as to cope but it eventually starts coming out because it is like a wound that needs to heal.

Since our mind suppressed it for so long, you can’t remember what caused you that pain.

Now, I’m not an expert concerning emotional trauma and the side effects of it but I am sure a quick Google search could get you in contact with one.

If by any chance you feel you are carrying so much or just feel emotionally exhausted for a long period of time, you might want to contact a professional to help you deal with it.

Like an unattended wound on your body that could get worse if not treated. Our mental health should be dealt with the same severity.

It might be the guilt that comes with that emotional trauma that could be forcing us to be silent because of shame.

So until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

My Thoughtless Days

There are days where I am so demotivated to even think, those are the days I fear.

Please don’t get the wrong impression with what I am about to say, it is just one of those things I always wonder about.

I experience days when I feel I can’t think, it worries me in the sense that, what would’ve happened if I wasn’t aware of the fact my mind is constantly blank and my emotions are numb.

Was it on these the days where I felt maybe alil self inflicted pain would take me out of that state of mind.

And the answer was probably yes, because those days were the ones I could not understand why I felt the way that I did.

I felt guilty for feeling numb and resentful towards myself because the thing is, I had no valid reason to feel that way, there were so many things I should’ve felt grateful for.

So when I am put in that state of mind that reminds me of those emotions, I always wonder if I am truly in the clear.

Of course the answer to that is no because this is a constant battle that I seem to be fighting everyday.

Eventhough, I still have my thoughtless days filled with numbness, I am aware of whats going on and use the methods that my therapist and psychiatrist suggested.

So until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Celebrating the small wins

I have always said, “its the small things that matter.”

I have tried to live by that, for as long as I remember.

“Celebrating the small wins is a great way to build confidence and start feeling better about yourself.”

– Abhishek Ratna

Now the thing is, I lacked the confidence to apply that saying to my dreams.

Like my blog, my poetry and my mental health. I decided to take a step forward with my dreams. I am not saying I have it figured out and since taking this step I have run into so many obstacles along the way.

I surprised myself by pushing passed those obstacles and kept blindly following my dreams.

Besides my bachelor degree in International tourism (another small win, because right now I am in my final semester), I took it one step further and invested in myself.

I paid for a course – profesional tour agent as an entrepreneur in Russian. If you have read my introduction blog, you would know I am studying in russian but it is still a challenge for me.

QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL TOUR AGENT

So to go ahead with a part time course in russian again, was one of the biggest obstacles I overcame in 2020.

When it was time to write the exam, I was burnt-out, emotionally drained and barely holding on. I was ready give up and throw in the towel with everything because I took on too much and felt I couldn’t do it. But after receiving encouragement from my loved ones, I pushed a little further.

The day I passed that exam, I cried myself to sleep because it was a small win that I didn’t believe I could do. Also my mental health took a wrong turn and I was in a bad place.

Hence the reason it took me this long to look back and really appreciate myself and the support of loved ones for pushing through. 🥂 So here is to a small win – a qualified professional tour agent.

Also, to my dreams – may they reach for the moon and land among the stars. 🌟

Until next on Healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Perseverance

Waking up beyond tired and feel like your whole body is screaming at you to stay in bed, It is one of the hardest feelings to fight.

My therapist asked if I see myself as a strong person, I still don’t see but I have come to understand that I will do what I need to do despite how I feel because that’s what I aways did.

The reason why it is difficult to see the strong person she refers to is because, this strength is what I found necessary to survive.

Life has felt like a continuous run of the survival show that I don’t know if I can feel anything else. What others see as strength, is normal to me.

The normal to others is definitely what I struggle with on the daily.

I have accepted that when faced with a challenge that forces me to be strong, it is an instinct to put on that shield.

The thing is about always being on strong mode is that you don’t know how to be anything else. Feeling vulnerable when required has been limited.

The lesson that I am trying to teach myself is how to still be strong but also feel other emotions.

The hurtful part of this lesson is that I can’t figure out how to do it and being told just to do it, is hurtful.

Therefore, I end up beating up myself about not being able to figure it out.

So this is a lesson I am learning and thought I could share with those that might be experiencing something similar.

Until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Resolution Expectations

New years has never really been the best time of the year for me, the expectation of having fun, being surrounded by people that are excited about yet another day and setting unreachable goals always makes the low moments intense for me.

“We spend January 1 walking
through our lives, room by room,
drawing up a list of work to be done,
cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential. “

-Ellen Goodman

So with each passing year, the more I yearned to be in solitude, not because of my depression but to start the year with as little expectation as possible. So as not to set myself up for disappointment. I know that sounds crazy and most people think I am bore, which I am so content with because it brings us back to avoiding disappointment.

This year, I was looking forward to that solitude and rest after an overwhelming year.

I also get the feeling, it will be the last year I do get to spend on my own. Let me explain, I have hope for the future (definitely not saying 2021 is my year but I have a feeling things are looking up).

So not only was this new years a moment of solitude for me but a moment of reflection and acceptance to change.

2020 has taught us that nothing ever goes as planned, flights were constantly cancelled and we have no control of what is bound to happen. So we need to be grateful for what we have survived and the lessons we learnt.

These are the lessons we are taking with us into a new year with as little expectation as possible.

The one important lesson for me:- taking it one day at a time and showing appreciation every chance I get.

Until next time on healing thoughts with Bounty, please remember to be kind to yourself.

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